advent writings

Kara, a good friend and inspiring soul, has summoned friends and loved ones to create meditations for advent.  For two weeks I have thought and wrote and nothing seems to come.  This season feels full of busyness.  I feel I am trying desperately to make this time of waiting to mean something.  To recognize Emmanuel, God with us, in some profound way.  But sometimes life is just life.  I have had moments where the mystery and magic has descended again, and yet I feel like most days here, back in the city, I am just trying to keep my head above water.  I teeter between great joy at being surrounded by good souls and deep discontent as I can't figure out how to "BE"  here, amongst concrete and busyness.  Christmas feels artificial amongst the carols and lights that fill the streets.  I continue to meet with friends and feel that most of the people I love are in hard places, without a sense of place, single, in a job they don't love, surrounded by people and yet not experiencing intimacy.  I know this is a time of waiting...waiting for the sun to come up again, for a baby to be born.  This is a time of expectation and hope.  And yet I feel right now I must search for hope.  Cities hold great joy around each corner...as good souls are encountered, as I walk down the street, and they hold darkness...a sense of hopelessness that I feel is at times hard to penetrate.  May I be taken hold by the mystery of this season and to take joy in the coming light.